Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein vs. Roman Holiday

Back by popular demand, (theirs, not my readers') guest bloggers Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein take on one of the most romantic movies of all time, Roman Holiday.

Tonto and Friends think Princess Audrey most pretty movie star, ever. She make much hand shake and tall shoes hurt feet. She say "I'm so happy," but she no seem happy. She seem bored and little sad too. She dance with many ugly old men. Short old men. This no help her mood. She get ready for bed. She want to wear pajamas, "just the top half" and she make talk of people who no wear clothes to bed. Now Tonto confess he no wear clothes to bed. He say to Princess Audrey, you should try sometime.

Princess Audrey no want to eat crackers and milk before bed.

Frankenstein: Guh. Me like crackers.

Aunt start to read schedule. She make much talk and Princess Audrey look angry. Finally she scream. Tonto have to turn down volume cause Princess Audrey scream too loud. Aunt think Princess maybe crazy. She call doctor and he give her shot to make her sleep. They leave. Look up at ceiling and statues watch Princess Audrey. Tonto no like to sleep in that room either. He no blame her when she escape from palace to find fun.

Mr. Bradley play poker with Irving and reporter men. They have Italian wampum with much numbers and little value. Look funny, long and skinny like piece of toilet paper this wampum. Mr. Bradley lose so he walk home. He see Princess Audrey asleep on park bench. He stop to help her. She talk funny poetry and she follow him home in taxi. She no tell Mr. Bradley she is princess. Princess Audrey very sleepy from shot but Mr. Bradley think she drink too much fire water. She start to take off her dress in front of him. "I've never been alone with a man before so being alone with one without my dress is highly unusual." Tonto think this is perhaps most awkwardly-worded pick up of all time.

Tarzan: Mr. Bradley is man or is mouse? Tarzan see Jane take off dress. Tarzan jump bones. End of movie.

Tonto: Tonto respectfully ask Tarzan to shut hell up. He raised by apes. No excuse. He walk upright and he have brain of human. Mr. Bradley is gentleman. He no pull funny stuff with girl who drink too much firewater. That why he in movie with Princess Audrey and Tarzan not.

Mr. Bradley tell Princess to sleep on sofa. He leave apartment while she put on pajamas. Tonto wonder if just top half but hard to tell because she covered up and sleeping in Mr. Bradley's bed when he come back. He get mad and he have funny scene where he roll her onto couch without waking her up. Mr. Bradley oversleep and wake up at noon. He supposed to interview Princess, same one sleeping in room, but he no know that. He go to work and pretend he did interview. Boss yell at him because interview was no go. Princess Audrey is "sick," but we know she in Mr. Bradley's room on couch. Then Mr. Bradley see picture of Princess. He call landlord and tell him to make sure she no leave. Then he tell boss he have big story.

Mr. Bradley go home. Landlord is standing guard with gun. Tonto like landlord for being prepared, but wonder if he not draw more attention than necessary. Princess Audrey still asleep. Mr Bradley put her in his bed, this time he carry like romantic Princess, until he look like he going to drop her. Gregory Peck not get much credit as comic actor, but he make Tonto much laugh.

Princess Audrey start to talk to Mr. Bradley in sleep. She tell him "I dreamed I met a strong, handsome man on the street. But he was so mean to me. It was wonderful." Tonto think that best line in whole movie. Tonto think that sum up all romantic comedy movie plot.

Then Princess Audrey wake up and meet Mr. Bradley. She very confused. He no let on he knows who she is. He try very hard to keep her in apartment. He tell her take bath and he leave again to phone Irving. Irving have much fun take picture of sexy Italian lady. Irving no want to go but he say he be at restaurant later. Meanwhile maid go to Mr. Bradley's apartment to clean. Tonto wonder how man with no kitchen has maid. Maid open bathroom door and scare princess Audrey. Then yell in Italian. Tonto no understand Italian but think maybe word "tramp" involved.

Princess Audrey leave but she have no wampum. Mr. Bradley give his last wampum to her. He follow her as she walk around Rome. She buy gladiator sandals because as saying goes, When in Rome... She get all hair cut off. Tonto sometime tired of long hair too so can understand her feeling. Barber is reluctant but he do. Then he ask Princess Audrey on date. She say no, but he ask her to come meet him with much friends at dance on barge.

Tarzan: Me like barber. He best man in movie. He see what he want. He no take "no" for answer, like mouse man.

Tonto agree. Barber is secret hero of movie. Princess Audrey say maybe she meet him later and go. Then Mr. Bradley follow her and she buy gelato.

Frankenstein: Gelato gooood. Me prefer it to ice creaaaaaaam!

He pretend he just bump into her. Tonto think Princess Audrey pretty gullible at this point. Mr. Bradley offer to take her to all things she always wanted. Princess Audrey tell Mr. Bradley she ran away from school and that her name is Anya Smith. He pretend to believe her. Mr. Bradley take her Colliseum and they ride on Vespa. Then they meet Irving at restaurant. Irving start to say that she look like Princess but Mr. Bradley keep spill drink on him to shut him up. This running gag, but Tonto no think so funny. Irving reaction always same --make joke tedious.

They take princess Audrey to wishing wall and she make wish. She look at Mr. Bradley and say wish not likely to come true. Then they take her mouth of truth. Mr. Bradley scare her and she scream again. Again, Tonto have to turn down volume. Princess Audrey have healthy lungs. She try drive Vespa and they have crazy time. Police arrest Mr. Bradley and Princess. He tell them they newly weds and they let him go. Then people in police station kiss Princess Audrey because they think she is bride. One fat sweaty man even kiss Mr. Bradley but he only shake Irving's hand. Poor Irving. Why no love from fat, sweaty guy?

Then Mr. Bradley send Irving home to develop film. They go to dance on barge. Princess Audrey rest head on Mr. Bradley's chin. She look much more happy then when she dance with old men at beginning of movie. Tonto wonder why Mr. Bradley no kiss her? (Squaw put face on Tonto's chin, you be sure Tonto kiss. ) Then they meet barber and he dance with Princess.

Tarzan: Ha! You snooze. You lose, mouse man!

Tonto think Tarzan right. Mr. Bradley maybe think so too. He look jealous and he go to bar to drink fire water. He see Irving and they drink fire water together. Then police detectives spot Princess Audrey and one make dance with her. She scream again, "Mr. Bradley!" and then big fight start. Princess Audrey hit policeman with guitar.

Frankenstein: Gaaaah. Hitting funny.

Mr. Bradley and Princess run away from barge. One last police hide and he punch Mr. Bradley who fall in water. Princess Audrey jump in water and they swim away. Now Tonto know why Mr. Bradley no kiss her before because now both wet and is dark. Tonto notice in movies when people get wet they kiss. Is like rule or something.

They go back to Mr. Bradley's apartment and she put on him robe. She offer to cook and clean for him and he say he no have kitchen but that he move to place that does. She say "yes" in meaningful way. Tonto wonder if this count as marriage proposal. If brave move tipi and squaw cook and clean for him then that is marriage to Tonto. Instead they hug and then she go to change clothes to go home.

Tarzan: Me hate Roman Holiday. Why mouse man need engraved invitation? She wearing him robe. She said she cook and clean for him. Why he no jump bones?

Tonto no understand either, Tarzan. Tonto think maybe he not able to give her life of princess so he scared.

Frankenstein: She does duty. Duuuuuuuty, stupid.

Tonto think Frankenstein have point. She chief of her tribe. She can no run off and marry Mr. Bradley.

Tarzan:Me say she just disgusted with mouse man. She go home. Later, marry prince with balls.

Tonto think Tarzan have no soul. Maybe die lonely, bitter ape man.

Tarzan: Me think Tonto get soft watching chic flick. Best watch Caddyshack with Tarzan to be man again.

Frankenstein: Baaaaaby Ruuuuuuuth.

Tonto finish review then he smoke peace pipe with Tarzan. Watch funny Bill Murray movie.

Mr. Bradley drive Princess Audrey to palace. They kiss. He watch her walk away he cry. Tonto sad for Mr. Bradley. Princess Audrey face Aunt and Uncle. They say she neglect duty. Audrey get mad say them not say word to her again. "If I were not completely aware of my duty to my throne and my country I would not have come back tonight. Or indeed ever again. " She start to crack voice like she cry. Tonto think Frankenstein right about duty.

Mr. Bradley go home and boss is at apartment. He want story but Mr. Bradley say no. Irving come and Mr. Bradley tell him they no do story. Irving remind Mr. Bradley of money. Then Irving see Mr. Bradley upset about princess leaving so he no push issue. Tonto think Irving very good friend. Then Irving show pictures to Mr. Bradley and they make up funny captions for them. This make them happy again. They no care if get in paper and they make money. They just want make funny captions. Then they say they go next day to press conference of Princess.

Princess Audrey look different at press conference. She look like real chief of tribe. She all grown up now, just from day with Mr. Bradly. She notice him in crowd and she understand he reporter. He say that her faith in relations between people is not misplaced. This code for him not print story. Some reporter ask her about favorite city. She start to say all the same but then she say, "Rome. Without a doubt Rome. I shall treasure my visit here as long as I live." Then Mr. Bradley know she never forget him. Then she shake much hands and say "I'm so happy." When she take Mr. Bradley hand she no show emotion. She like iceberg. He hold together pretty good too. Not like Tonto and friends who cry like squaws.

Frankenstein: I had something in my eye!!!!!!

Irving give her pictures and she sneak one little look back at Mr. Bradley. Then she ends the press conference and Bradley walks down much big hallway. He look back once but he keep going. The end.

Tarzan think mouse man get what mouse man deserve. He no get girl. He no get money. He get Irving.

Frankenstein: Irrrrrrving.

Tonto think Caddyshack look better and better. No more chick flick for Tonto, Jenny Nipper.

Tarzan: Me want Caddyshack. Or Three Stooges.

Frankenstein: Hitting goood.