Is it too early for a clip show

Sam Jaffe, Douglas Fairbanks Junior and Cary Grant brave the heat on the set of Gunga Din.

You may have been wondering where the heck I've been lately after teasing you with hints of Kay Francis marathons and more Tonto and Friends. The strangest thing happened (cue wiggly screen effects and flashback music) when I got together with Tonto and Friends to discuss their latest movie review of Gunga Din at the CinemaOCD Vault and Winebar.

Jenny: OK, guys, I love your review of Gunga Din. It was very astute Tonto when you compared the film to Three Kings (1999). So you see the George Clooney as being comparable to the Douglas Fairbank's junior character since he has the romance with the girl. Would that make Mark Wallberg, Cary Grant and Ice Cube, Victor McLaghlen, then?

Tonto: Yes.

Jenny: We should add that, then. I thought the biggest laugh came from Frankenstein when he compared himself to Victor McGlaglen. I guess you see yourself as an oft-misunderstood brute with good intentions?

Frankenstein: Gahhhhh, same shoe size!

Jenny: I see. I have to agree with Tonto's assessment of Joan Fontaine in Gunga Din, "all eyebrows. No sex appeal." I love her in Rebecca and Suspicion, but here she just seems underused and annoying. No wonder they don't want Douglas Fairbanks Jr. to marry her.

Tonto: Is classic buddy movie quandry. Unworthy woman comes between good friends. Is Saving Silverman with elephant thrown in.

Jenny: I agree, Tonto. It is a classic motif. Annie the Elephant is the real female star of the movie. Tonto, I also really liked your Gunga Din drinking game.

Tonto: Take sip fire water every time character is thrown out window.

Jenny: Yeah, that does happen a lot doesn't it? But I was curious to know how you Tonto especially felt about this being essentially a Cowboys and Indians movie with a different setting.

Tonto: Tonto prefer "Native Americans."

Jenny: Fair enough but you know what I'm saying?

Tonto: Tonto understand. I not agree completely. Maybe Jenny Nipper can't resist Cowboys and Indians pun?

Jenny: Oh Tonto, you know me so well. More Merlot, anyone?

Frankenstein: Merlot good.

Tonto: Tonto think some comparison apt, such as cavalry charging in to save day. Tonto can not think of Cowboy movie where noble Native American sacrifice self to save white men.

Jenny: Maybe we should throw that out there to our readers. If it exists, they are sure to have seen it. As a person of color, Tonto, does Gunga Din, offend you?

Tonto: Tonto not offended by so-called racism in Gunga Din. Tonto view Kipling as critical of colonialism. They are out to plunder treasure, not help people of India defeat evil murder cult. Could view as metaphor for entire colonial adventure.

Jenny: That's how I've always viewed it too. But isn't Din a "noble savage" stereoptype?

Tonto: That make Tonto laugh. Many people think Tonto is noble savage stereotype. Tonto assure critics that he put breeches on one leg at a time just like anyone else.

Jenny: Good point. And Jaffe is very good. I think he and Grant play particularly well together.

Tarzan: (Yawn) Me go get more cheese. Anyone want anything from bar?

Frankenstein: No, thanks. Me good.

Tonto: Tonto good too.

Jenny: Well, I think this review is ready to go. I've got my introduction where I talk about how every time I go a month or more without watching a Cary grant movie, I'm always blown away by watching him and think "oh my God! Cary Grant is awesome. Why haven't I been watching his movies more." I think I'll dig up some tight uniform Eye Candy and---

Tonto: Guys, bartender is gone!

Tonto: Huh? Tonto drink too much fire water again. He probably inside vault stocking shelves. (Tonto gets up to look inside vault) Hey guys look at this. Note from bartender.

(Jenny the Nipper, Tarzan and Frankenstein follow Tonto into the Vault. Suddenly a gust of wind blows the door shut. Alarmed, Tarzan tries to open the vault door.)

Tarzan: We're trapped.

Frankenstein: Gahhhh. Small spaces baaad. Frankenstein clausterphobic.

Jenny: don't panic, big fella. I'm sure the bartender will be back soon. What does the note say?

Tonto: (Reading note) "Sorry. I just received text from ex-wife. Having panic attack. Be back when Zantac kicks in."

Tarzan: Awwwwwououou Awwwwwwwwwww! HEEEEEEEELPPPPP!

Tonto: Tarzan warn Tonto next time he going to scream in Tonto's ear!

Frankenstein: Gaaaaaaaah! We die in here!!!!

Jenny: Everyone just calm down. We have plenty of wine and cheese and DVDs to sustain us for as long as it takes for the bartender to return.

Tonto: What about bathroom?

Jenny: Well that could be a problem. We did drink quite a lot of merlot.

Tarzan: Quit talking about bathroom. Only make things worse.

Jenny: Let's try to focus on some thing creative and positive to pass the time.

Tarzan: I know! Jenny and Tarzan could explore unresolved sexual tension.

Jenny: er, what unresolved sexual tension?

Tarzan: (shrugs) Was worth a shot.

Tonto: Tonto and Friends could discuss favorite moments from CinemaOCD blog.

Frankenstein: Gah, a clip show!!!! Clip show baaad.

Jenny: I agree. I don't think we've been around long enough for a backward look. That's a season three gimmick along with replacing the cute kid with an even cuter little kid.

Tarzan: Is always sexual tension thing.

Jenny: Right, clip show it is, then. Frankenstein, why don't you start us off what's your favorite moment from the blog so far.

Frankenstein: Me love Cupidon!!

Jenny: That was a lot of fun, wasn't it. I'll go next. My favorite moment from the blog was probably the first Tonto and Friends piece on Moonstruck!

Tonto: So embarassing! Like first season Simpsons. Is all raw, unformed ideas.

Jenny: That's what I love about it. Tonto you go next.

Tonto: Tonto's favorite moment from blog so far was in depth look at pre-code Barbara Stanwyck. Missy so pretty. Pretty, pretty Missy. Sigh.

Tarzan: Me like Barbara Stanwyck Eye Candy of Day, too.

Jenny: Was that your favorite moment?

Tarzan: Well, maybe. Tarzan can't decide between Norma Shearer Eye Candy of Day and Barbara Stanwyck picture from Lady of Burlesque.

Frankenstein: (wolf whistles) Lady of Burlesque.

Jenny: I really enjoyed the discussion that followed that Norma Shearer post.

Frankenstein: Must have blooopers!! Clipshow need bloopers!

Jenny: Oh, yes good idea. Let's see there was the time I spelled Bette Davis with a "Y" or the time I randomly changed a director's first name to "Bruce." But both of those mistakes got fixed, thanks to the miracle of the edit button. Here's a good blooper reel for you, anyway with some flubs from Saratoga Trunk.

Tarzan: Ha! Classic stars swearing! It never get old.

Tonto: Tonto say montage of people punching each other out, never get old.

Frankenstein: Hitting!

Jenny: Thanks, Tonto, now I'm going to have Tub Thumping in my head for the remainder of our stay in this vault.

(Montage of time elapse: Calendar pages falling away, Tonto drinking wine, Frankenstein eating a big piece of cheese, everyone watching DVD of The Yearling and trying to act like they have something in their eye, Jenny and Tarzan having an almost kiss moment, Jenny hitting Tarzan over the head with empty wine bottle, which makes funny Three Stooges sound effect, more calendar pages falling away until we see that it has been nine days.)

Tonto: Tonto say if bartender no show up soon, bladder going to explode.

Frankenstein: Guuuuuh, Nine Days! Nine Days!

Tarzan: No more Gregory Peck movies! Me kill next person who brings up Gregory Peck!

Jenny: And who would that comment be aimed at, eh, loincloth boy?!

Tonto: (putting ear to door) Shhh! Tonto have super Native American hearing ability. Tonto think bartender coming back.

(Suddenly vault door rumble and swings open.)

Jenny: Oh thank god we're saved!

Bartender: You were in there the whole time? Man, I thought I had it rough with the ex and all. Anyone for a glass of wine. We just got a new case of merlot in and---

Everyone: Don't mention Merlot!!!!

(Group makes mad rush for the bathroom.)