To help snap me out of my mediocre movie doldrums, I have invited three guest bloggers to review one of my all-time favorite movies, Moonstruck:
Summary by Tonto: Cher pretty widow. Pretty middle-aged accountant widow. (Why you bounce check at liquor store, Cher, you accountant!?) Johnny Camerari not so pretty middle-aged guy. Scalp not get enough blood sometimes. Johnny ask Cher to marry. She say yes. Johnny so happy when say "Bobo, the Check!"
Cher take Johnny to airport. He go fly away on iron bird make peace with dying mother. In airport old lady say she put curse on plane. Cher say she no believe in curse and old lady say she not either.
Cher have dad name Cosmo. Cosmo is sad old guy who listen Vicki Carr. Cher tell dad about wedding. He not happy. Won't pay for wedding. Say, "it don't work out for you, Loretta." Cher's have mom name Rose. Rose sad because Cosmo listen Vicki Carr and no have sex. Rose happy about wedding. She ask Cher if she love Johnny. She say no. Rose say good. "If you love 'em they'll drive ya crazy. Cause they know they can," Rose say and look at Cosmo.
Cher visit Johnny's brother Ronny. Ronny pretty baker man. He bakes bread, bread, bread.
Frankenstein: Bread good. Fire bad.
Ronny is sad. He lost hand in slicer. He get mad when Cher say not fault of Johnny. "I don't care! I ain't no freakin' monument to justice." Cher and Ronny go upstairs, listen to La Bohemme. Have sex. Much good sex.
Rose and Cosmo have dinner with Uncle and Aunt. Grandpa feed dog Rose's food. Rose gets mad and is disrespectful to elder in way Tonto no like. Aunt and Uncle no like either. Then Uncle tell story about moon. Uncle say long time ago Cosmo so in love with Rose he bring moon. Cosmo say you dreaming.
Cher wake up in night see moon as big as house. Looks like giant snowball, Ronny say. Ronny is poet, too. Kind of.
At night Aunt and Uncle see big moon. Uncle say is Cosmo's moon. He and aunt have much good sex. Aunt say he like Orlando Furiouso.
Cher wake up again. This time day. Day bad. Very bad to have sex with brother of fiance one hour after meeting. Cher say we take this to our coffins and Ronny say no, I'm in love with you. Cher hit Ronny. "Snap out of it." Ronny ask Cher to opera.
Cher go home. Rose mad at Cher for not coming home at night. She say Cher go to church and make prayers. Cher goes to church and see mom again. Mom is sad because Cosmo is cheating on her. A wife knows. Cosmo is plumber. Sad, old plumber guy. He tells yuppies, "There are three kinds of pipe" and they no understand him. Then Cosmo tell story to girlfriend, Moana. She some piece of cheap goods. But she like Cosmo's pipe story. She seem kind of sweet. Cosmo gives her yellow bracelet. She smile.
Cher gets new hair color for opera. Pretty, pretty Cher. She buys new red dress. She goes opera and Ronny say "thank you for your hair and your beautiful dress." She not kiss Ronny. They go watch La Bohemme. Cher is very sad. Cries at end. She sees Cosmo and Moana and she very upset. Cher and Ronny go bar and drink much fire water. They go back to Ronny's place but she no want to go up. He tell's her "the stars are perfect. The snow flakes are perfect." Ronny is poet, see. Cher take Ronny's wooden hand and go up.
Frankenstein: Puttin on the Riiiiiiiiitz!
Rose sad with no Cosmo and no Cher. She go to Bobo for minestrone and much martini. She see Frasier's dad with girl. Girl dumps water on Frasier's dad. He is sad. Then he sit with Rose and he happy. They drink much fire water and then walk home. He wants to go to her house for much good sex. She say "you can't come in because I know who I am." Me think Rose poet, like Ronny.
Johnny come home. No Cher. Rose not say. She only ask Johnny why men chase women. Johnny say it because they fear death and Rose say that's it! Then Cosmo comes home and Rose tells him he die no matter what. He say thank you with much sarcasm and go to bed.
Frankenstein: Gaaaauh. Gauuuuuuuug! Sarcasm bad.
Next day Cher walk home. See two towers in background and pretty music and she kick can. So pretty. Pretty, pretty Cher. She make dance in kitchen. Rose say you drink too much firewater but Cher say no. Then Rose say she have hangover. Cher find out Johnny home she gets scared. Hide in cupboard and change clothes. Why clothes in kitchen cupboard, Cher? Knock on door is Aunt and Uncle. Rose forgot make much money deposit. Rose sorry. Aunt and Uncle sorry. Knock come again at door. Is Ronny, not Johnny! Ronny have love bite on neck like Cher. Rose make oatmeal.
Frankenstein: Gaaaaauh. Oatmeal. Goood.
Ronny stay to eat much oatmeal. Knock on door is finally Johnny. He walk in whole family there. He say wedding off. His mother will die if he get married. ronny call him Mama's boy. Cher say he break agreement. She mad. She go to funeral in red dress. She throw ring. Ronny take ring propose to Cher. Grandpa cry. He confused. Cher say yes Ronny! So happy. Cher and Ronny sit down and eat oatmeal. Rose say to Cosmo "I want you to stop seeing her." Cosmo mad. He bang table but he agree. Then he say he wasted his life. Rose say you no waste life. I love you. He say "I love you too. " People cry a little so happy. They drink fire water with bubbles say "ala familia!" The end.
Review by Tarzan: Me Tarzan. You Cher. Me like Cher. Cher look good in
animal skins and no pants. She look good at
Oscars with no pants. Moonstruck she wear pants. Not as good. But still would not kick her out of tree if know what I mean. Awwwwwwwwwww a-a-a-a awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
