Tonto and Friends on Metropolitan

Tonto: Jenny Nipper in media room watching Herbert Marshall movies. Tarzan ask Jenny Nipper if she join Tonto and friends for Metropolitan.

Tarzan: Tarzan try. Jenny Nipper tell Tarzan "no thanks" she busy putting in tags on all old blog entries, which means can now scroll down blog and find all our entries by clicking on label "Tonto and Friends." Tarzan think Jenny Nipper little bananas right now. Best leave alone.

Tonto: Frankenstein on vacation in Boundary Waters with Bride. Friend of Tonto, Sloth from The Goonies sit in for Frankenstein.

Sloth: Sloth love Chunk!

Tarzan: Tarzan surprised Tonto no go on vacation with Frankenstein.

Tonto: Paddling canoe not vacation to Tonto. Too much like work. How come Tarzan not go?

Tarzan: It not enough Tarzan raised by apes? Spend first 30 years of life in jungle? Tarzan like stay home with comfortable bed and no mosquitoes. Tarzan have enough mosquitoes in jungle. Tarzan hungry. Tarzan go kitchen before blogging. Tonto and friends want anything?

Sloth: Baby Ruth!!!

Tonto: Metropolitan (1990) first film of director Whit Stillman, the first in so-called "Yuppy Trilogy," Metropolitan (1990). Criterion Collection released pretty new DVD with many extras. Tonto love DVD extras. Tonto make Jenny Nipper buy many DVDs just for extras. Jenny Nipper say Tonto get job if want so many Criterion discs. Tonto say, stoic side-kick business not as good as used to be. Jenny Nipper say--

Tarzan ( returning from kitchen): No Babyruth, but Tarzan find box of macaroons Jenny Nipper hide behind whole wheat crackers.

Sloth: Macaroooooons!

Tarzan: Tarzan not as bored with Metropolitan as he expect. Tarzan think talky Whit Stillman movie more interesting than most other movie where nothing happens.

Tonto: Tonto want to model self after Nick Smith from now on. Tonto go online and buy detachable collars already. Am looking for dinner jacket from A.T. Harris. Then Tonto will go find wedding receptions that people forgot to invite him to.

Tarzan: Tarzan take issue with Nick Smith view of titled aristocracy as scum of the Earth. Nick Smith just jealous of Rick Von Slonaker's success with Serena Slocum and Cynthia. Besides, Tarzan is titled aristocracy. Tarzan Earl of Greystoke.

Tonto: Whatever happened with that anyway?

Tarzan: Being titled aristocrat not necessarily pay so good nowadays. Tarzan return to jungle, till blog gig come along. Like Mary Crawford say in Jane Austen's Mansfield Park, "a poor honorable is no catch."

Tonto: Tarzan bring up interesting point. Is Metropolitan an adaptation of Mansfield Park? Stillman make many references to the book.

Tarzan: Not exactly an adaptation. More like homage.

Tonto: If it is adaptation then many characters are split into multiple parts. Fanny, for example is both quiet, upstanding Audrey Rouget and outsider, "radical" Tom Townsend. Tom's cluelessness to Serena's manipulative and shallow nature mirror Edward's blindness to same qualiites in Mary Crawford.

Tarzan: And Tom is disinherited in much the same way that Edward looses living do to careless spending of older brother. I see many similarities, but no Henry Crawford. He maybe split between Nick Smith and Rick Von Slonaker?

Tonto: That make no sense. Henry Crawford punches self out, then?

Tarzan: Like Tarzan said. More like homage, than adaptation.

Tonto: Tonto surprised Tarzan like such talky movie.

Tarzan: Tarzan sit through any movie, no matter how talky if there promise girls take clothes off. Tarzan like strip poker scene.

Tonto: "Playing strip poker with an exhibitionist somehow looses the challenge." Great line. Tonto know how Nick Smith feel. Tarzan live in loin cloth.

Tarzan: So now Tarzan exhibitionist? At least Tarzan was raised to wear loin cloth. Tonto take every opportunity to be shirtless. Shirtless vacuuming. Shirtless deepfat frying.

Tonto: Tonto learn to wear apron from now on.

Sloth: Sloth loves Fourierism!!!

Tonto: Sloth bring up good point. How many people follow obscure 19th century socialist after watching movie.

Tarzan: Tarzan google "Fourier." Put t-shirt on Zazzle say, "Good luck with your Fourierism."

Tonto: Tonto not sure if that ironic or not. On one hand, Zazzle successful corporate model to skim money off everyday people's need to thwart copyright laws. On other hand, it open, free creative outlet that offer opportunity to earn small amount of money for clever idea. Have Tonto sold many shirts?

Tarzan: Enough to buy loincloth with built in briefs.

Tonto: Tonto and friends one hundred percent behind built-in briefs. Tonto approve of Zazzle.

Sloth: Hey you guys!!!!!!! Sloth want say about movie. Movie gooood! Sloth love Metropolitan! Sloth want watch rest of Whit Stillman trilogy.

Tonto: We watch DVD extras first. Who up for commentary track? (sound of crickets chirping)

Guys? Tonto? Sloth? Anyone?

Jenny the nipper: Hey Tonto. Where is everyone? I thought you guys were blogging Metroplotian?

Tonto: Sloth and Tarzan run away when Tarzan want to watch commentary track.

Jenny the Nipper: I know how you feel Tarzan. Try spending a week and half watching every Herbert Marshall movie you can find. I've never heard so many crickets chirping.

Tonto: How Herbert Marshall blogathon going?

Jenny: Oh, it's great did you know he had a wooden leg?

Tonto: No, really. Fascinating. Tonto think he leave something on stove. (Tonto leaves)

(sound of crickets chirping)

Jenny: sigh. Oh well, guess it's just you and me, Herbie. (Starts "Secrets of a Secretary", flops down in comfy chair, smiles quietly to herself.)

Tonto and Friends Run Amok

Tonto: We take control of blog from Jenny Nipper. She has issues to work out with Hamlet and Wuthering Heights. Too much death. Too depressing. Winter is no time to watch Wuthering Heights.

Tonto and friends want funny movie. Tonto and friends want feel good without being sickening about it movie. In short. Tonto and friends want Working Girl.

Tess is temp working as secretary for man pig boss who make Tarzan seem like sensitive new man.

Tarzan: Hey! That uncalled for! Tarzan get Utne Reader, now. Tarzan have whole new appreciation for Jane.

Tonto: Tess go see Olympia Dukakis. Tonto wonder if Olympia Dukakis in every good movie from 80s? Tess get new job working for Tall Lady Parker. Tall Lady want to be friend of Tess, be mentor. She steal idea from Tess. Tall Lady break leg skiing. Tess steal tall lady dress and invitation to cocktail party. Cyn give Tess valium to "chill her ever so slightly." Tess Meets Han Solo at party and gets drunk.

Frankenstein: Lust and tequilaaaaaah!

Tarzan: Tarzan want add that Working Girl follow Joan Cusack rule: any movie with Joan Cusack be good. By virtue of fact it have Joan Cusack.

Tonto: Exactly. Cyn have hair and makeup like Bride of Frankenstein.

Frankenstein: Squeeee!

Tonto: Harrison Ford is good comedian. In wedding scene he drink whole frufru umbrella drink really fast. Hi. Lar. E. Us. Melanie Griffith funny too, though humor is dead pan.

Tarzan: Not sure Melanie Griffith is that funny. She look good in underwear, though.

Tonto: What happened to sensitive New Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan can appreciate that movie is about sexism and classism in workplace, but still show most of female cast in underwear.

Jenny: And Harrison Ford in nothing but an ugly Southwestern pattern blanket.

Tonto: Hey, Jenny Nipper. Me not see you come in.

Jenny: I'm stealth like that sometimes. Hey speaking of Jack Trainer's Southwestern Blanket. What is up with his apartment? In the first scene he puts drunk Tess down in an awesome Aalto chair while he sits on an Aalto stool. So I'm like swoon. He's got a head for business, a bod for sin AND he appreciates mid century classic furniture two decades before its cool to do so. But then in the morning after scene he has a tv six inches away from his bed and he falls asleep with it on which is weird. Worse than that is the late 80s southwestern bedding mixed with the faux Arts and Crafts lamp to make Taliesin Blech style--Guys? Guys? Where'd you go.

Tonto: Sorry. Jenny Nipper loose us with interior decorating talk. We wander out to smokem piece pipe.

Jenny: Oh. Well, Just sayin. Jack Trainer has confused tastes. Anyway, this is one of my favorite movies from the 80s. It's aged pretty well don't you think?

Tonto: Movie aged better than Alec Baldwin.

Jenny: Holy crap, yeah. Alec Baldwin looks like he's 19 in this movie. I'm so used to the bloated middle-aged 30 Rock Alec Baldwin, in all his Shatneresque glory, that I forgot how lithe he once was. Tess was right to call him a snake.

Tonto: At this point, Jenny Nipper probably want to make some Cary Grant comparison.

Jenny: Oh Tonto, you know me so well. It's almost like we were fragments of the same ego or something. Yeah, the scene in which Ford talks on the phone to Tess and changes his shirt to the awe and eventual applause of the whole office is one of those moments where Ford's comic timing and physical grace were reminiscent of Cary Grant. The other is in Frantic when he is on the roof of Michelle's apartment, which recalls the anti-graceful grace in fight scene on the roof in Charade.

Tarzan: Frantic. Now that is good movie. Emanuelle "dress more like hooker in every scene" Seigner can swing on Tarzan's vine any day.

Jenny: Eww. Thanks for the mental image. Clearly the Utne Reader still has some work to do.

Tonto: To get back to Working Girl. Tonto have "Let the River Run" in head for 48 hours after watching movie.

Frankenstein: $6,000?! It's not even leathaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Jenny: And on that note. I think we should post this baby before I change my mind.

Is it too early for a clip show

Sam Jaffe, Douglas Fairbanks Junior and Cary Grant brave the heat on the set of Gunga Din.

You may have been wondering where the heck I've been lately after teasing you with hints of Kay Francis marathons and more Tonto and Friends. The strangest thing happened (cue wiggly screen effects and flashback music) when I got together with Tonto and Friends to discuss their latest movie review of Gunga Din at the CinemaOCD Vault and Winebar.

Jenny: OK, guys, I love your review of Gunga Din. It was very astute Tonto when you compared the film to Three Kings (1999). So you see the George Clooney as being comparable to the Douglas Fairbank's junior character since he has the romance with the girl. Would that make Mark Wallberg, Cary Grant and Ice Cube, Victor McLaghlen, then?

Tonto: Yes.

Jenny: We should add that, then. I thought the biggest laugh came from Frankenstein when he compared himself to Victor McGlaglen. I guess you see yourself as an oft-misunderstood brute with good intentions?

Frankenstein: Gahhhhh, same shoe size!

Jenny: I see. I have to agree with Tonto's assessment of Joan Fontaine in Gunga Din, "all eyebrows. No sex appeal." I love her in Rebecca and Suspicion, but here she just seems underused and annoying. No wonder they don't want Douglas Fairbanks Jr. to marry her.

Tonto: Is classic buddy movie quandry. Unworthy woman comes between good friends. Is Saving Silverman with elephant thrown in.

Jenny: I agree, Tonto. It is a classic motif. Annie the Elephant is the real female star of the movie. Tonto, I also really liked your Gunga Din drinking game.

Tonto: Take sip fire water every time character is thrown out window.

Jenny: Yeah, that does happen a lot doesn't it? But I was curious to know how you Tonto especially felt about this being essentially a Cowboys and Indians movie with a different setting.

Tonto: Tonto prefer "Native Americans."

Jenny: Fair enough but you know what I'm saying?

Tonto: Tonto understand. I not agree completely. Maybe Jenny Nipper can't resist Cowboys and Indians pun?

Jenny: Oh Tonto, you know me so well. More Merlot, anyone?

Frankenstein: Merlot good.

Tonto: Tonto think some comparison apt, such as cavalry charging in to save day. Tonto can not think of Cowboy movie where noble Native American sacrifice self to save white men.

Jenny: Maybe we should throw that out there to our readers. If it exists, they are sure to have seen it. As a person of color, Tonto, does Gunga Din, offend you?

Tonto: Tonto not offended by so-called racism in Gunga Din. Tonto view Kipling as critical of colonialism. They are out to plunder treasure, not help people of India defeat evil murder cult. Could view as metaphor for entire colonial adventure.

Jenny: That's how I've always viewed it too. But isn't Din a "noble savage" stereoptype?

Tonto: That make Tonto laugh. Many people think Tonto is noble savage stereotype. Tonto assure critics that he put breeches on one leg at a time just like anyone else.

Jenny: Good point. And Jaffe is very good. I think he and Grant play particularly well together.

Tarzan: (Yawn) Me go get more cheese. Anyone want anything from bar?

Frankenstein: No, thanks. Me good.

Tonto: Tonto good too.

Jenny: Well, I think this review is ready to go. I've got my introduction where I talk about how every time I go a month or more without watching a Cary grant movie, I'm always blown away by watching him and think "oh my God! Cary Grant is awesome. Why haven't I been watching his movies more." I think I'll dig up some tight uniform Eye Candy and---

Tonto: Guys, bartender is gone!

Tonto: Huh? Tonto drink too much fire water again. He probably inside vault stocking shelves. (Tonto gets up to look inside vault) Hey guys look at this. Note from bartender.

(Jenny the Nipper, Tarzan and Frankenstein follow Tonto into the Vault. Suddenly a gust of wind blows the door shut. Alarmed, Tarzan tries to open the vault door.)

Tarzan: We're trapped.

Frankenstein: Gahhhh. Small spaces baaad. Frankenstein clausterphobic.

Jenny: don't panic, big fella. I'm sure the bartender will be back soon. What does the note say?

Tonto: (Reading note) "Sorry. I just received text from ex-wife. Having panic attack. Be back when Zantac kicks in."

Tarzan: Awwwwwououou Awwwwwwwwwww! HEEEEEEEELPPPPP!

Tonto: Tarzan warn Tonto next time he going to scream in Tonto's ear!

Frankenstein: Gaaaaaaaah! We die in here!!!!

Jenny: Everyone just calm down. We have plenty of wine and cheese and DVDs to sustain us for as long as it takes for the bartender to return.

Tonto: What about bathroom?

Jenny: Well that could be a problem. We did drink quite a lot of merlot.

Tarzan: Quit talking about bathroom. Only make things worse.

Jenny: Let's try to focus on some thing creative and positive to pass the time.

Tarzan: I know! Jenny and Tarzan could explore unresolved sexual tension.

Jenny: er, what unresolved sexual tension?

Tarzan: (shrugs) Was worth a shot.

Tonto: Tonto and Friends could discuss favorite moments from CinemaOCD blog.

Frankenstein: Gah, a clip show!!!! Clip show baaad.

Jenny: I agree. I don't think we've been around long enough for a backward look. That's a season three gimmick along with replacing the cute kid with an even cuter little kid.

Tarzan: Is always sexual tension thing.

Jenny: Right, clip show it is, then. Frankenstein, why don't you start us off what's your favorite moment from the blog so far.

Frankenstein: Me love Cupidon!!

Jenny: That was a lot of fun, wasn't it. I'll go next. My favorite moment from the blog was probably the first Tonto and Friends piece on Moonstruck!

Tonto: So embarassing! Like first season Simpsons. Is all raw, unformed ideas.

Jenny: That's what I love about it. Tonto you go next.

Tonto: Tonto's favorite moment from blog so far was in depth look at pre-code Barbara Stanwyck. Missy so pretty. Pretty, pretty Missy. Sigh.

Tarzan: Me like Barbara Stanwyck Eye Candy of Day, too.

Jenny: Was that your favorite moment?

Tarzan: Well, maybe. Tarzan can't decide between Norma Shearer Eye Candy of Day and Barbara Stanwyck picture from Lady of Burlesque.

Frankenstein: (wolf whistles) Lady of Burlesque.

Jenny: I really enjoyed the discussion that followed that Norma Shearer post.

Frankenstein: Must have blooopers!! Clipshow need bloopers!

Jenny: Oh, yes good idea. Let's see there was the time I spelled Bette Davis with a "Y" or the time I randomly changed a director's first name to "Bruce." But both of those mistakes got fixed, thanks to the miracle of the edit button. Here's a good blooper reel for you, anyway with some flubs from Saratoga Trunk.

Tarzan: Ha! Classic stars swearing! It never get old.

Tonto: Tonto say montage of people punching each other out, never get old.

Frankenstein: Hitting!

Jenny: Thanks, Tonto, now I'm going to have Tub Thumping in my head for the remainder of our stay in this vault.

(Montage of time elapse: Calendar pages falling away, Tonto drinking wine, Frankenstein eating a big piece of cheese, everyone watching DVD of The Yearling and trying to act like they have something in their eye, Jenny and Tarzan having an almost kiss moment, Jenny hitting Tarzan over the head with empty wine bottle, which makes funny Three Stooges sound effect, more calendar pages falling away until we see that it has been nine days.)

Tonto: Tonto say if bartender no show up soon, bladder going to explode.

Frankenstein: Guuuuuh, Nine Days! Nine Days!

Tarzan: No more Gregory Peck movies! Me kill next person who brings up Gregory Peck!

Jenny: And who would that comment be aimed at, eh, loincloth boy?!

Tonto: (putting ear to door) Shhh! Tonto have super Native American hearing ability. Tonto think bartender coming back.

(Suddenly vault door rumble and swings open.)

Jenny: Oh thank god we're saved!

Bartender: You were in there the whole time? Man, I thought I had it rough with the ex and all. Anyone for a glass of wine. We just got a new case of merlot in and---

Everyone: Don't mention Merlot!!!!

(Group makes mad rush for the bathroom.)

Tonto and friends take on Little Ceasar

Tonto: Tonto and Friends sick of chick flick so ask Jenny Nipper to review Caddy Shack. She say, go ahead. But Caddy Shack review no go so well. Tonto and Tarzan smoke too much peace pipe. Tonto fall asleep half way through movie. Tarzan get up to find Baby Ruth, no come back till end of movie. Frankenstein get contact high and Kenny Loggin's music send him run amuck through village. He return with pitchfork in back and hair slightly singed.

Frankenstein: Gaaaaah. Fire bad. Villagers mean!.

Tonto: Jenny Nipper say Tonto and Friends--

Tarzan: Why now we Tonto and friends? Used to be Tarzan, Tonto, Frankenstein. That correct billing. Me most famous. Me film star. You side kick and monster.

Frankenstein: Tarzan ego baaaad!

Tonto: Tonto agree. Tarzan ego out of control. If Tarzan want top billing. He do more work. Besides, Frankenstein biggest star of group. Everyone know Frankenstein. He even have own trailer.

Tarzan: Me ask Jenny Nipper. She settle this.

Jenny the Nipper: Tonto and friends is most expedient. It stays. Besides, Tonto is building a real following. I don't want him to quit and start his own blog.

Tonto: Me never start own blog. Me have to be free out west beyond horizon. Beyond wireless internet.

Jenny: Can you just review Little Ceasar already?!

Tonto: Little Ceasar is gangster masterpiece. Is early high water mark for genre. All other gangster movie compared to Little Ceas---

Tarzan: Me find Little Ceasar overrated. All just gangster meeting with other gangsters. Talk, talk, talk. Me no like Olga either. Little Ceasar right. She make Joe go soft.

Tonto: For once Tonto agree with Tarzan. If Tarzan no interrupt he find out Tonto say same thing. Though famous gangster classic, Little Ceasar surprisingly talkie.

Frankenstein: Edward G. Robinson greeaaaaat!

Tonto: Frankenstein have great point as usual. Edward G. is reason to watch Little Ceasar. Camera on other people, Tonto bored. Camera on Edward G. , Tonto riveted. What Little Ceasar do? Will spray room with bullets or laugh crazy Edward G. laugh, make Tonto nervous.

Tarzan: Little Ceasar make me nervous too. Me think him like Joe little too much.

Tonto: Tarzan raise question of Little Ceasar's love for Joe. Is Little Ceasar sentimental or repressed homosexual?

Frankenstein: Gah! Joe friend.

Tonto: What about pretty boy sidekick? He seem like replacement for Joe. He seem like more than friend.

Frankenstein: Gaaaaaah!

Tonto: OK. Maybe we move on to less controversial topic. Version Jenny Nipper supply Tonto and Friends have post-code prologue about badness of gangsters. Little Ceasar one pre-code movie revived many times in theaters. Why Little Ceasar never go away from pop culture?

Tarzan: Me think it ending. Ending is best part of Little Ceasar.

Tonto: Tonto agree. Everyone like ending. Censor like bad man die. People like that gangster have higher thought, "Is this end of Rico?" Rico is poet. Rico come out of hiding just to clear him name. Just to say not coward. Police cowardly to trick him with telephone tap.

Tarzan: Me no think that. If Little Ceasar so smart he no fall for trick.

Tonto: Trick remind me of Godfather. When Carlo beat up Connie to trick Sonny into going to city alone.

Frankenstein: Look what they did to my booooy! (Begins to weep.)

Tarzan: Why you bring up Godfather? Always make Frankenstein cry at undertaker scene.

Tonto: It is great scene. Is no shame, Frankenstein. Tonto also think of Godfather scene when Tom Hagen say no one ever gun down New York City police officer. Ha! Little Ceasar shoot police commissioner! He no care! He so tough. He most badass gangster. More than Michael Corleone.

Tarzan: What about Scarface? He toughest of all? Say hello to my leetle friend!

Frankenstein: Paul Muuuuni!

Tonto: Frankenstein right. Paul Muni Scarface most badass of all. He shoot innocent bystanders any time. Al Pacino Scarface get killed because he no take out journalist family. Paul Muni never be so sentimental.

Jenny the Nipper: Guys. Little Ceasar remember?

Tonto: So Little Ceasar say "Is this the end of Rico" and he die under poster of Joe and Olga dancing. Funny how important where Gangster die. Like Scarface die in front of poster "The World is Yours."

Tarzan: Al pacino Scarface same thing.

Jenny the Nipper: And as I mentioned in my blog recently, real-life gangster John Dillinger died in front of a movie theater showing a gangster movie.

(Sound of crickets chirping....)

Jenny the Nipper: Well, thanks, I think that wraps things up for now. Tonto and Friends will be back next week talking about one of our favorite movies, Gunga Din.

Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein vs. Roman Holiday

Back by popular demand, (theirs, not my readers') guest bloggers Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein take on one of the most romantic movies of all time, Roman Holiday.

Tonto and Friends think Princess Audrey most pretty movie star, ever. She make much hand shake and tall shoes hurt feet. She say "I'm so happy," but she no seem happy. She seem bored and little sad too. She dance with many ugly old men. Short old men. This no help her mood. She get ready for bed. She want to wear pajamas, "just the top half" and she make talk of people who no wear clothes to bed. Now Tonto confess he no wear clothes to bed. He say to Princess Audrey, you should try sometime.

Princess Audrey no want to eat crackers and milk before bed.

Frankenstein: Guh. Me like crackers.

Aunt start to read schedule. She make much talk and Princess Audrey look angry. Finally she scream. Tonto have to turn down volume cause Princess Audrey scream too loud. Aunt think Princess maybe crazy. She call doctor and he give her shot to make her sleep. They leave. Look up at ceiling and statues watch Princess Audrey. Tonto no like to sleep in that room either. He no blame her when she escape from palace to find fun.

Mr. Bradley play poker with Irving and reporter men. They have Italian wampum with much numbers and little value. Look funny, long and skinny like piece of toilet paper this wampum. Mr. Bradley lose so he walk home. He see Princess Audrey asleep on park bench. He stop to help her. She talk funny poetry and she follow him home in taxi. She no tell Mr. Bradley she is princess. Princess Audrey very sleepy from shot but Mr. Bradley think she drink too much fire water. She start to take off her dress in front of him. "I've never been alone with a man before so being alone with one without my dress is highly unusual." Tonto think this is perhaps most awkwardly-worded pick up of all time.

Tarzan: Mr. Bradley is man or is mouse? Tarzan see Jane take off dress. Tarzan jump bones. End of movie.

Tonto: Tonto respectfully ask Tarzan to shut hell up. He raised by apes. No excuse. He walk upright and he have brain of human. Mr. Bradley is gentleman. He no pull funny stuff with girl who drink too much firewater. That why he in movie with Princess Audrey and Tarzan not.

Mr. Bradley tell Princess to sleep on sofa. He leave apartment while she put on pajamas. Tonto wonder if just top half but hard to tell because she covered up and sleeping in Mr. Bradley's bed when he come back. He get mad and he have funny scene where he roll her onto couch without waking her up. Mr. Bradley oversleep and wake up at noon. He supposed to interview Princess, same one sleeping in room, but he no know that. He go to work and pretend he did interview. Boss yell at him because interview was no go. Princess Audrey is "sick," but we know she in Mr. Bradley's room on couch. Then Mr. Bradley see picture of Princess. He call landlord and tell him to make sure she no leave. Then he tell boss he have big story.

Mr. Bradley go home. Landlord is standing guard with gun. Tonto like landlord for being prepared, but wonder if he not draw more attention than necessary. Princess Audrey still asleep. Mr Bradley put her in his bed, this time he carry like romantic Princess, until he look like he going to drop her. Gregory Peck not get much credit as comic actor, but he make Tonto much laugh.

Princess Audrey start to talk to Mr. Bradley in sleep. She tell him "I dreamed I met a strong, handsome man on the street. But he was so mean to me. It was wonderful." Tonto think that best line in whole movie. Tonto think that sum up all romantic comedy movie plot.

Then Princess Audrey wake up and meet Mr. Bradley. She very confused. He no let on he knows who she is. He try very hard to keep her in apartment. He tell her take bath and he leave again to phone Irving. Irving have much fun take picture of sexy Italian lady. Irving no want to go but he say he be at restaurant later. Meanwhile maid go to Mr. Bradley's apartment to clean. Tonto wonder how man with no kitchen has maid. Maid open bathroom door and scare princess Audrey. Then yell in Italian. Tonto no understand Italian but think maybe word "tramp" involved.

Princess Audrey leave but she have no wampum. Mr. Bradley give his last wampum to her. He follow her as she walk around Rome. She buy gladiator sandals because as saying goes, When in Rome... She get all hair cut off. Tonto sometime tired of long hair too so can understand her feeling. Barber is reluctant but he do. Then he ask Princess Audrey on date. She say no, but he ask her to come meet him with much friends at dance on barge.

Tarzan: Me like barber. He best man in movie. He see what he want. He no take "no" for answer, like mouse man.

Tonto agree. Barber is secret hero of movie. Princess Audrey say maybe she meet him later and go. Then Mr. Bradley follow her and she buy gelato.

Frankenstein: Gelato gooood. Me prefer it to ice creaaaaaaam!

He pretend he just bump into her. Tonto think Princess Audrey pretty gullible at this point. Mr. Bradley offer to take her to all things she always wanted. Princess Audrey tell Mr. Bradley she ran away from school and that her name is Anya Smith. He pretend to believe her. Mr. Bradley take her Colliseum and they ride on Vespa. Then they meet Irving at restaurant. Irving start to say that she look like Princess but Mr. Bradley keep spill drink on him to shut him up. This running gag, but Tonto no think so funny. Irving reaction always same --make joke tedious.

They take princess Audrey to wishing wall and she make wish. She look at Mr. Bradley and say wish not likely to come true. Then they take her mouth of truth. Mr. Bradley scare her and she scream again. Again, Tonto have to turn down volume. Princess Audrey have healthy lungs. She try drive Vespa and they have crazy time. Police arrest Mr. Bradley and Princess. He tell them they newly weds and they let him go. Then people in police station kiss Princess Audrey because they think she is bride. One fat sweaty man even kiss Mr. Bradley but he only shake Irving's hand. Poor Irving. Why no love from fat, sweaty guy?

Then Mr. Bradley send Irving home to develop film. They go to dance on barge. Princess Audrey rest head on Mr. Bradley's chin. She look much more happy then when she dance with old men at beginning of movie. Tonto wonder why Mr. Bradley no kiss her? (Squaw put face on Tonto's chin, you be sure Tonto kiss. ) Then they meet barber and he dance with Princess.

Tarzan: Ha! You snooze. You lose, mouse man!

Tonto think Tarzan right. Mr. Bradley maybe think so too. He look jealous and he go to bar to drink fire water. He see Irving and they drink fire water together. Then police detectives spot Princess Audrey and one make dance with her. She scream again, "Mr. Bradley!" and then big fight start. Princess Audrey hit policeman with guitar.

Frankenstein: Gaaaah. Hitting funny.

Mr. Bradley and Princess run away from barge. One last police hide and he punch Mr. Bradley who fall in water. Princess Audrey jump in water and they swim away. Now Tonto know why Mr. Bradley no kiss her before because now both wet and is dark. Tonto notice in movies when people get wet they kiss. Is like rule or something.

They go back to Mr. Bradley's apartment and she put on him robe. She offer to cook and clean for him and he say he no have kitchen but that he move to place that does. She say "yes" in meaningful way. Tonto wonder if this count as marriage proposal. If brave move tipi and squaw cook and clean for him then that is marriage to Tonto. Instead they hug and then she go to change clothes to go home.

Tarzan: Me hate Roman Holiday. Why mouse man need engraved invitation? She wearing him robe. She said she cook and clean for him. Why he no jump bones?

Tonto no understand either, Tarzan. Tonto think maybe he not able to give her life of princess so he scared.

Frankenstein: She does duty. Duuuuuuuty, stupid.

Tonto think Frankenstein have point. She chief of her tribe. She can no run off and marry Mr. Bradley.

Tarzan:Me say she just disgusted with mouse man. She go home. Later, marry prince with balls.

Tonto think Tarzan have no soul. Maybe die lonely, bitter ape man.

Tarzan: Me think Tonto get soft watching chic flick. Best watch Caddyshack with Tarzan to be man again.

Frankenstein: Baaaaaby Ruuuuuuuth.

Tonto finish review then he smoke peace pipe with Tarzan. Watch funny Bill Murray movie.

Mr. Bradley drive Princess Audrey to palace. They kiss. He watch her walk away he cry. Tonto sad for Mr. Bradley. Princess Audrey face Aunt and Uncle. They say she neglect duty. Audrey get mad say them not say word to her again. "If I were not completely aware of my duty to my throne and my country I would not have come back tonight. Or indeed ever again. " She start to crack voice like she cry. Tonto think Frankenstein right about duty.

Mr. Bradley go home and boss is at apartment. He want story but Mr. Bradley say no. Irving come and Mr. Bradley tell him they no do story. Irving remind Mr. Bradley of money. Then Irving see Mr. Bradley upset about princess leaving so he no push issue. Tonto think Irving very good friend. Then Irving show pictures to Mr. Bradley and they make up funny captions for them. This make them happy again. They no care if get in paper and they make money. They just want make funny captions. Then they say they go next day to press conference of Princess.

Princess Audrey look different at press conference. She look like real chief of tribe. She all grown up now, just from day with Mr. Bradly. She notice him in crowd and she understand he reporter. He say that her faith in relations between people is not misplaced. This code for him not print story. Some reporter ask her about favorite city. She start to say all the same but then she say, "Rome. Without a doubt Rome. I shall treasure my visit here as long as I live." Then Mr. Bradley know she never forget him. Then she shake much hands and say "I'm so happy." When she take Mr. Bradley hand she no show emotion. She like iceberg. He hold together pretty good too. Not like Tonto and friends who cry like squaws.

Frankenstein: I had something in my eye!!!!!!

Irving give her pictures and she sneak one little look back at Mr. Bradley. Then she ends the press conference and Bradley walks down much big hallway. He look back once but he keep going. The end.

Tarzan think mouse man get what mouse man deserve. He no get girl. He no get money. He get Irving.

Frankenstein: Irrrrrrving.

Tonto think Caddyshack look better and better. No more chick flick for Tonto, Jenny Nipper.

Tarzan: Me want Caddyshack. Or Three Stooges.

Frankenstein: Hitting goood.

Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein review Moonstruck

To help snap me out of my mediocre movie doldrums, I have invited three guest bloggers to review one of my all-time favorite movies, Moonstruck:

Summary by Tonto: Cher pretty widow. Pretty middle-aged accountant widow. (Why you bounce check at liquor store, Cher, you accountant!?) Johnny Camerari not so pretty middle-aged guy. Scalp not get enough blood sometimes. Johnny ask Cher to marry. She say yes. Johnny so happy when say "Bobo, the Check!"

Cher take Johnny to airport. He go fly away on iron bird make peace with dying mother. In airport old lady say she put curse on plane. Cher say she no believe in curse and old lady say she not either.

Cher have dad name Cosmo. Cosmo is sad old guy who listen Vicki Carr. Cher tell dad about wedding. He not happy. Won't pay for wedding. Say, "it don't work out for you, Loretta." Cher's have mom name Rose. Rose sad because Cosmo listen Vicki Carr and no have sex. Rose happy about wedding. She ask Cher if she love Johnny. She say no. Rose say good. "If you love 'em they'll drive ya crazy. Cause they know they can," Rose say and look at Cosmo.

Cher visit Johnny's brother Ronny. Ronny pretty baker man. He bakes bread, bread, bread.

Frankenstein: Bread good. Fire bad.

Ronny is sad. He lost hand in slicer. He get mad when Cher say not fault of Johnny. "I don't care! I ain't no freakin' monument to justice." Cher and Ronny go upstairs, listen to La Bohemme. Have sex. Much good sex.

Rose and Cosmo have dinner with Uncle and Aunt. Grandpa feed dog Rose's food. Rose gets mad and is disrespectful to elder in way Tonto no like. Aunt and Uncle no like either. Then Uncle tell story about moon. Uncle say long time ago Cosmo so in love with Rose he bring moon. Cosmo say you dreaming.

Cher wake up in night see moon as big as house. Looks like giant snowball, Ronny say. Ronny is poet, too. Kind of.

At night Aunt and Uncle see big moon. Uncle say is Cosmo's moon. He and aunt have much good sex. Aunt say he like Orlando Furiouso.

Cher wake up again. This time day. Day bad. Very bad to have sex with brother of fiance one hour after meeting. Cher say we take this to our coffins and Ronny say no, I'm in love with you. Cher hit Ronny. "Snap out of it." Ronny ask Cher to opera.

Cher go home. Rose mad at Cher for not coming home at night. She say Cher go to church and make prayers. Cher goes to church and see mom again. Mom is sad because Cosmo is cheating on her. A wife knows. Cosmo is plumber. Sad, old plumber guy. He tells yuppies, "There are three kinds of pipe" and they no understand him. Then Cosmo tell story to girlfriend, Moana. She some piece of cheap goods. But she like Cosmo's pipe story. She seem kind of sweet. Cosmo gives her yellow bracelet. She smile.

Cher gets new hair color for opera. Pretty, pretty Cher. She buys new red dress. She goes opera and Ronny say "thank you for your hair and your beautiful dress." She not kiss Ronny. They go watch La Bohemme. Cher is very sad. Cries at end. She sees Cosmo and Moana and she very upset. Cher and Ronny go bar and drink much fire water. They go back to Ronny's place but she no want to go up. He tell's her "the stars are perfect. The snow flakes are perfect." Ronny is poet, see. Cher take Ronny's wooden hand and go up.

Frankenstein: Puttin on the Riiiiiiiiitz!

Rose sad with no Cosmo and no Cher. She go to Bobo for minestrone and much martini. She see Frasier's dad with girl. Girl dumps water on Frasier's dad. He is sad. Then he sit with Rose and he happy. They drink much fire water and then walk home. He wants to go to her house for much good sex. She say "you can't come in because I know who I am." Me think Rose poet, like Ronny.

Johnny come home. No Cher. Rose not say. She only ask Johnny why men chase women. Johnny say it because they fear death and Rose say that's it! Then Cosmo comes home and Rose tells him he die no matter what. He say thank you with much sarcasm and go to bed.

Frankenstein: Gaaaauh. Gauuuuuuuug! Sarcasm bad.

Next day Cher walk home. See two towers in background and pretty music and she kick can. So pretty. Pretty, pretty Cher. She make dance in kitchen. Rose say you drink too much firewater but Cher say no. Then Rose say she have hangover. Cher find out Johnny home she gets scared. Hide in cupboard and change clothes. Why clothes in kitchen cupboard, Cher? Knock on door is Aunt and Uncle. Rose forgot make much money deposit. Rose sorry. Aunt and Uncle sorry. Knock come again at door. Is Ronny, not Johnny! Ronny have love bite on neck like Cher. Rose make oatmeal.

Frankenstein: Gaaaaauh. Oatmeal. Goood.

Ronny stay to eat much oatmeal. Knock on door is finally Johnny. He walk in whole family there. He say wedding off. His mother will die if he get married. ronny call him Mama's boy. Cher say he break agreement. She mad. She go to funeral in red dress. She throw ring. Ronny take ring propose to Cher. Grandpa cry. He confused. Cher say yes Ronny! So happy. Cher and Ronny sit down and eat oatmeal. Rose say to Cosmo "I want you to stop seeing her." Cosmo mad. He bang table but he agree. Then he say he wasted his life. Rose say you no waste life. I love you. He say "I love you too. " People cry a little so happy. They drink fire water with bubbles say "ala familia!" The end.

Review by Tarzan: Me Tarzan. You Cher. Me like Cher. Cher look good in animal skins and no pants. She look good at Oscars with no pants. Moonstruck she wear pants. Not as good. But still would not kick her out of tree if know what I mean. Awwwwwwwwwww a-a-a-a awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!